UNSTUCK – How to Get out of Your Money Rut and Start Living the Life you Want
by Karin Mizgala and Sheila Walkington

Excerpt from: Chapter 4 – Money and Relationships

“I don’t care too much for money / For money can’t buy me love.”
~BEATLES

For many couples nothing dampens love and ardour more than the subject of finances. In fact, study after study shows that money problems are the single biggest cause of relationship stress and divorce—with sex and raising kids rounding out the big three. While talking about money can be more difficult and emotionally charged than talking about sex, religion or politics, open dialogue can save a lot of tension and resentments in your relationship.

As stock markets slide and unemployment increases, relationships inevitably suffer. Couples are facing huge challenges right now, because money issues come with very charged emotions. Financial issues threaten our bonds of intimacy and trust and many people lack the skills and the willingness to talk about their finances. We often find distorted childhood perceptions of money can poison even the strongest relationships. One of the biggest problems is lack of openness between partners. And different values, experiences and expectations can result in a rift that is difficult to negotiate around. That’s why it can sometimes take an impartial third party, like a therapist, financial advisor or Money Coach to help get negotiations with your partner moving again when you’ve come to a financial standstill.

Learning to eliminate secrets, lies, and overspending are just a few ways couples can get back on track, increase intimacy, and make their relationship stronger.

It might be difficult to talk about money issues, but hiding from problems and not setting aside time to talk only increases stress. And that stress results in some pretty crazy thinking and behaviour. Under too much stress we lose clarity in thinking and revert to primitive means of dealing with problems: anger—or even worse, suppression of anger—and feelings of inadequacy or resentment or bitterness. This means we’re pulled even deeper into money madness which can lead to bad decisions about spending, saving, and investing money.

Let’s acknowledge that when it comes to money we’re talking about a complex range of issues, many of them shaped by family and social attitudes likely formed long before we even met our partners. These range from spending and savings habits, to a need for security, to risk tolerance, attitudes around debt, planning for the future, and so on. These approaches to money—both positive and negative—are then modified once again with every change in our financial circumstances. Those changes can come with age, children, career shifts, the economic climate, our health, approaching retirement, and the numerous other setbacks or opportunities that life throws our way.

Given the complexity of issues—and the wide range of emotions that accompanies the whole package—it’s no wonder we are dealing with a potentially explosive topic. Dealt with properly however there are also great opportunities here for strengthening your partnership and fulfilling your mutual dreams and goals.